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13 Principles for Conversations

Keys to respect and community building from the Peace and Justice Institute

  • 1. Create a hospitable and accountable community.

    We all arrive in isolation and need the generosity of friendly welcomes. Bring all of yourself to the work in this community. Welcome others to this enviornment, and presume that you are welcomed as well. Hospitality is the essence of restoring community.

  • 2. Listen Deeply

    Listen intently to what is said; listen to the feelings beneath the words. Strive to achieve a balance between listening and reflecting, speaking and acting.

  • 3. Create an advice-free zone.

    Replace advice with curiosity as we work together for peace and justice. Each of us is here to discover our own truths. We are not here to set someone else straight, to "fix" what we perceive as broken in another member of the group.

  • 4. Practice asking honest and open questions.

    A great question is ambiguous, personal and provokes anxiety.

  • 5. Give space for unpopular answers.

    Answer questions honestly even if the answer seems unpopular. Be present to listen not debate, correct or interpret.

  • 6. Respect silence.

    Silence is a rare gift in our busy world. After someone has spoken, take time to reflect without immediately filling the space with words. This applies to the speaker, as well - be comfortable leaving your words to resound in the silence, without refining or elaborating on what you have said.

  • 7. Suspend judgment.

    Set aside your judgments. By creating a space between judgments and reactions, we can listen to the other, and to ourselves, more fully.

  • 8. Identify assumptions.

    Our assumptions are usually invisible to us, yet they undergird our worldview. By identifying our assumptions, we can then set them aside and open our viewpoints to greater possibilities.

  • 9. Speak your truth.

    You are invited to say what is in your heart, trusting that your voice will be heard and your contribution respected. Own your truth by remembering to speak only for yourself. Using the first person "I" rather than "you" or "everyone" clearly communicates the personal nature of your expression.

  • 10. When things get difficult, turn to wonder.

    If you find yourself disagreeing with another, becoming judgmental, or shutting down in defense, try turning to wonder: “I wonder what brought her to this place?” “I wonder what my reaction teaches me.” “I wonder what he’s feeling right now?”

  • 11. Practice slowing down.

    Simply the speed of modern life can cause violent damage to the soul. By intentionally practicing slowing down we strengthen our ability to extend non-violence to others — and to ourselves.

  • 12. All voices have value.

    Hold these moments when a person speaks as precious ecause these are the moments when a person is willing to stand for something, trust the group and offer something he or she sees as valuable.

  • 13. Maintain confidentiality.

    Create a safe space by respecting the confidential nature and content of discussions held in the group. Allow what is said in the group to remain there.

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All resources listed come with the diverse perspectives of those organizations and do not necessarily represent the endorsement of all members of The Pledge.

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